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Scarier Than Spider Hair Monday.

A weekly feature where I present something culinary that *might* just have you saying, “WTF?” Yep, it’s even scarier than spider hair. This week? It’s Cakesgiving!

Happy Cakesgiving everyone! Yes, that hallowed holiday of fattening food is upon us, and this year evidently this means us creative foodie types must not only make the holiday even MORE heart attack inducing, but at the same time include the latest food trends. Namely cake. My inbox and newspaper have been completely full to the gills lately with frightening Thanksgiving creations. Were they meant Halloween? Behold! Below are three attempts to include cake into this hallowed tradition of gastronomic indulgence and supposedly thankfullness. Be forewarned. These caloric creations have been known to inadvertently spike sugar levels just by gazing at them.

I give you Thanksgiving cupcakes, presented by the company “Yummy Cupcakes” in the November issue of InStyle magazine. Marshmellow and Yam Cupcake? Check, I get it. Yams are yummy, marshmellows are yummy. Lime Jell-O? Okay…..still get it, this could be yummy. Too sweet maybe, but yummy. Pumpkin Pie Cupcake? Easy peasy. Top it with a nice cream cheese frosting, and this is super yummy. But….Cranberry and Turkey Gravy Cupcakes?!?!?! *Urkghllll* <—the sound of me hurling in my mouth a little. The tang of the cranberry paired with the ultra umami pleasure of giblet gravy? In a cake? Sounds kinda psycho. But maybe it’s psycho—-GENIUS! You decide. Place your order here. 

Suppose you are really pressed for time this Thanksgiving. No time to cook a huge bird with 4-5 side dishes. Maybe you have a small kitchen? No counter space? But you DO have all kinds of cake pans. And you’re tired of the same ‘ol same ‘ol. What’s the solution? Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you….The Thanksgiving Turkey Cake! Presented in all its glory by CHOW. Two delicious layers of turkey meatloaf sandwiching a layer of sausage stuffing and a delicious hidden layer of cranberry sauce. All covered in mashed potato “icing” and topped with yams and toasted marshmellows. Some assembly required.

I have a confession to make. Upon first glance I hurled. Then I looked again, really looked. You know, this actually doesn’t look half bad! Yeah, it’s not going to work for Aunt Gladys, who never allows her food groups to touch, but for the rest of us? This. Is. Kinda. GENIUS! Yeah, overkill overload in a “What Hellish world would think this up?”-kinda genius, but still genius. What’s not to like? All the Fattening Four are represented (Stuffing, Potatoes, Yams, Marshmellows). They didn’t forget the cranberry sauce, and hell, I mash all my food together on the plate anyway. I’ve even been known to sneak downstairs in the night and create a monstrosity of a sandwich using everything and including a secret “Gravy Layer”.

That’s what’s missing. The gravy! No worries. Just pick up Nana’s prized antique silver gravyboat and pour that giblet magic over the whole beautiful mountain of madness. Instant Thanksgiving JOY! This Thanksgiving, I’m so GRATEFUL for gravy to cover my cake!

If you’re not full to the brim after all that cake, why not have some dessert? I bring you The Pumpple. The Cake to End All Cakes. Presented by Slashfood. Awful name, but a thing of gastronomic beauty to behold. If you’re Mr. Creosote from Monty Python who only has room for a thin mint that is. Good Lord is this thing a monster! Apple and pumpkin pies baked inside vanilla and chocolate cakes. The whole thing completely covered in buttercream. One slice is 1800 calories.

I can feel my arteries slowly hardening just by looking at it and my blood sugar spiking to a level where I’m left a quivering jittery mess. Who needs Nana’s pumpkin pie when you can eat the entire bakery for dessert? Created by The Flying Monkey Patisserie in Philadelphia. Land of the cheesesteak. Go figure.

It serves 40. Small wedding on Thanksgiving? This would certainly fit your needs. Visit the website, if only to watch its appearance on The Today Show (Hoda and Kathie Lee go to TOWN on this thing, but I’m not sure how well it pairs with boxed wine).

We might be in the throes of an economic crisis, but you’d never know it from this Garden of Cakely Delights. Who needs turkey with all the fixins? Let ’em eat cake!

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